Talent Scout #5

MANPREET

aka Manager of Burger King
aka Manager of BK United

Club BK United

A genuine hero for his club and restaurant, Manpreet's day and night jobs are strangely similar


DAY
Player/Coach/Manager of BK United
NIGHT
Manager of BK Manners Mall

DAY
Ordering players around
NIGHT
Ordering workers around

DAY
Playing international friendlies
NIGHT
Works with friendly internationals

DAY
Sweeper
NIGHT
Sweeping

DAY
Flipping out at Patrick Berger
NIGHT
Flipping Patties and Burgers

DAY
Free Kick
NIGHT
Free Coke

DAY
Quick on the counter-attack
NIGHT
Quick to the counter

DAY
Feeding Duscher the ball
NIGHT
Feeding Doosh the Whopper

DAY
He scores a hat trick
NIGHT
He wears a BK hat

DAY
Taking out the opposition
NIGHT
Taking out the rubbish

DAY
Ref shows a red card
NIGHT
Customer shows a student card

DAY
Sent off
NIGHT
Night off

DAY
Fulltime
NIGHT
Full

Player Profile #6

Seung Park
aka. Park Seung Bum
aka. The Korean man

There is something mysterious about Seung. No one really knows how he plays as good as he does. He has possibly the best control in The Sam, and his ability to play with quick reflexes means he has a tendancy to score goals that come out of nowhere.

Seung is the newest fulltime player in the team, having bee bought by The Sam from Seoul FC in early 2006 for 9274 million korean won ($NZ32 million). He has become an outstanding player in the team and was unlucky to snatch golden boot in The Sams first competition of the year. Seungs tactical midfield play and brilliant attacking play helps him become a very respectable player in all football circles.

The highlight of his career so far as quoted by him is "getting to play with Bum Joon...My one most important dream was to play with Bum Joon, if that couldn't happen, my second was to get Bum Jooned". Seung must be happy to know that he and Bum Joon paired together make a very feared midfield pairing, as Seung is quite willing to pass the ball ont0 Bum Joon knowing that he may not get it back, and the fact that Seung is the only player courageous enough to get on the end of one of Nicks through balls.

Seung is also a bit of a 'player' off the field. It is a fact that if a movie was made about each of The Sam's players, Seungs movie would have the most sex scenes, even surpassing Steves illustrious name. Although not much statements have been publically made, Seung may have at least one mistress in every time zone. Because Seung moved to a country with a rising teen pregnancy rate (New Zealand) he decided to be sensible and made sure he was not giving teenagers the wrong impression of his behaviour so he created his own line of condoms, each type given the name of a The Sam player. Hugh Heffner keeps Seungs signature on his mantlepiece.

In March 2006 Seung came third in E! entertainment's show 'hottest celebrity bodies'. The only two who beat him were Steve Cubis and Terri Henry (Sam McCleans girlfriend-not to be confused with Thierry Henry). Seung said humbly after the announcement that "I don't really consider myself hot, but I thank the lord that girls do!".

Unfortunately for Seung, because he plays with The Sam in New Zealand's Winter, he is not available to play for Korea in the world cup. He moarns this but confesses that he likes The Sam better anyway. Seung is an essential part of The Sam, his composure keeps The Sam moving in a way no other player could.

Profile Featurette #1

Bobby "Crazy eyes" Bi'basso
aka double bung eye, caint c strait, the reason shades became cool
Occupation works in 'The Sam Souvenirs' a merchendice outlet located on The Sam home ground Kelburn park

No he's not a fearsome italian gangster, he's just a local hero with a huge heart and two bung eyes.

Anyone thats been to a soccer match at kelburn park, even if only once, will know of this local legend. His bubbly personality and crazy antics are always a crowd pleaser when a 'The Sam' match goes stale. (usually due to the opposition giving up because of the shear number of goals they have conceided). Bobby can argue a strong case for being The Sam's number 1 supporter, he has been quoted many a time saying: "aye'ya, I'ya hold'a the record for the most'a matches attended by'a one'a person ya know, AYE LOUGIE!! WHERE'S'A MY FRIGIN'A PIZZA PIE!@#!#!".

Bobby came to New Zealand as an italian imigrant in 1986 to open up new doors for himself financially and romantically. "you'a cee, it's a not'a easy to'a pick up the ladies in'a my'a native italy. So, i'ya thought'a, heeey'ya! I's'a gonna charm me'ya some'a New Zealand beauties!!". Unfortunatley for Bobby he did not intially have the rip blasting time with the ladies he predicted. His first night out clubbing saw him thrown in jail for suspected cocain abuse, lucky for bobby charges were swiftly dropped when his uncomprehendible speech and drugged up appearence were put down to his being italian and bung eyed.

However these days Bobby's luck has had a turn for the better. He was one of the first Kelburn park staff on hand when The Sam was founded and has reaped the benefits immensely. Fans can be heard throughout kelburn saying things such as "you know that bobby is sooo dreamy, he could bung my eye's any day (sigh)" and Kanye West from team africa has even been overheard commenting "Bobby's extra fly, come the day i die, i'm gonna bung my eye".

So Bobby, from all the staff at the sam, the players, and of course the fans, thankyou, thankyou very much

Talent Scout #4

Pascal Cygan
aka Arsenals Secret Weapon, Baldy, Mr Unreliable
Club Arsenal
Nationality France

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO! Its Pascal Cygan sending a player flying through the air. Graham Polls coming over. Hes reaching into his pocket. Oh, oh, it is, it is. A red card.

Poor old Cygan. The hapless Arsenal defender has been the butt of all soccer jokes and his butt-shaped head doesn't help. Too old to develop any more skills and too young to retire the 32 year old is one of those players that a team loves to play against, and hates to play with.

It wasn't always this bad though. Cygan gained recognition after he was voted French Player of the Year, with his time at Lille. He almost made the French national team that year and a certain coach in England raised his eyebrows at the prospect of having Cygan on his team.

Yes, France was good to Cygan. But it wasn't to be in England. Playing alongside the likes of Campbell and Keown should have benefited him but it didn't. Some say he was poisoned by Manchester United, others believe it was the shaven head rivalry between him and Campbell, but whatever the reason for his terrible form, it has turned Cygan's world upside down.

The once 'promising' defender even rang up The Sam defender Tony Ng for some tips on managing the Dfence. Ng, who speaks fluent French gave Cygan a list of things he was doing wrong. The list was 50 pages long. Soon after the meeting Cygan scored 2 goals and helped Arsenal earn a clean sheet, but inconsistency showed and he was relegated to the darkest depths of the bench.

Cygan does have strengths though. In the last FA Cup final, the game ended with Man Utd and Arsenal in a penalty shoot-out. All of the Arsenal penalty takers wore Cygan masks and Roy Carroll, laughing so much at the sight of the many Cygans failed to save a single penalty, and finished up on the losing side.

Cygan the entrepreneur is a completely different story. His joint business with Jens Lehmann selling Mining Suits was a major success. Last year his 'Mine Your Own Business' T-Shirts earned him worldwide recognition and earned him Time Magazine Businessman of the Year. Cygan later quit after reports that Lehmann was paying slaves in Netherlands Antilles to make the mining suits. His new business, selling Cygan shirts was a hit, though most people bought them as a joke or to use the fabric for making curtains.

Whether Cygan is selling shirts or scoring 'owned' goals, he will forever be applauded by the opposition, make Arsene Wenger flinch any time he has the ball, and be a conversation starter at The Sam functions.

Talent Scout #3

Gabriel Agbonlahor
aka Aston Villas Bum Joon
Club Aston Villa

Real Madrid must be kicking themselves for selling Agbonlahor to Aston Villa. Since arriving at the Midlands club in January the striker has earned rave reviews, is on course for this years Golden Boot and is one of David O'Leary's absolute favourite players.

Agbonlahor, a player hailing from Cape Verde Islands, did his best at Real Madrid, coming through the youth system and eventually making the first team. He was a regular for Real Madrid in their successful 2005 playing alongside the likes of Zidane, Raul and Roberto Carlos, but a fight with team-mate Beckham saw him leave the Bernabeu in January. Agbonlahor, the usual penalty taker for Real Madrid, got shoved aside by Beckham who wanted to take the penalty himself, in a game against Osasuna. The England captain then Beckhamed it and Real Madrid lost the match. Agbonlahor left the club straight after the game.

Upon his arrival in England, Agbonlahor was immediately thrust onto the pitch playing against Arsenal in a David O'Leary tribute. The new striker scored twice and managed to get Cygan sent off in a game that saw the midlands team come out on top.
From then on, Agbonlahor has been crucial to Aston Villa's plans and is track for a great season.

The Cape Verdes Islander is a powerfully built forward with a right foot that has been compared to the The Sam defender Bum Joon Kim. Perhaps that is why he has been named Aston Villas Bum Joon.

His overall contribution to the game is amazing. Agbonlahor plays up front but is never hesistant to get back and defend, often saving potential goals. It is because of this that Aston Villa have the best D in the Premier League.

But his goalscoring cannot be ignored. The young forward is the leading goalscorer in the Premier League outscoring the likes of Henry, Van Nistelrooy and Shola Ameobi.

It has been rumoured that Agbonlahor may leave Aston Villa at the end of the season but the clubs most important player is ignoring these claims. Nevertheless, to have Agbonlahor on your team is nearly as good as having The Sam.

Talent Scout #2

Kanye West
aka Tabrio West
aka "ima touch the sky" West
Club: Team: Africa
Nationality: Abyssinia

Kanye West is a new signing for Team Africa this season, a relative unknown quantity in football having swiched codes from being first round draft for Jackosonville Jagwars in NFL. Despite this, he is looking to star in the revamped Team Africa "D" which sees Ebay Eboue replace Timothy Atouba in right back.

Despite the fanfare he receiced after the transfer, rumors surfaced from within Team Africa that they made a mistake signing Kanye as they were intending to sign Tabrio West from Plymouth Argyle who is Nigerian hence African but did not check the first names. Spokesman for Team Africa, Victor Ikpeba has rubbished such speculation and is quoted to be 'mutual' with progress of their new signing. Indeed in their first game against the league of extraordinary gentlewomen, West was to blame for all 8 goals conceded including two "owned" goals. Furthermore, critics have slammed the new player questioning his commitment claiming he is too busy making sure he is "looking extra fly" during the game that his concentration and "D" let him down. His movement was noticibly hampered by him wearing a white suit instead of the regular uniform in which he insists is essenital to "looking extra fly". They also question his nationality claiming he has an American passport and seems to be much more - affluent than other members of Team Africa pointing at the large solid gold chains he wears around his neck while playing. West has played down these comments, he is quoted as saying "I'ma testify, come up to the spot lookin' extra fly. For the day I die, I'ma touch the sky." Reporters and journalists who attended the press conference at KK203 were visually confused to what exactly he meant. When asked a response to the claims he replied, "I am from Ethiopia, I is from the ghetto. You, is from the ghetto. I'ma black, The Sam homies call me Jay Jay because of that, and i is Africain American. Great Lakes Niggers for life.

New signing Kanye West has not made the best start for Team Africa and has a lot to prove in fast pace of Vic Uni Indoor League and it remains to be seen how well he adapts or "touchs the sky" in the next few games. One thing remains certain, you can count on him to look extra fly.

Talent Scout #1

Nuno Gomes
aka Nuno DeSousa Nelson Gomes
Club: Lisboa FC
Nationality: Portugal

Ever contraversial, the Lisboa striker is one of the most famous Portuguese footballers to have come from the Iberian Peninsula.

Hailing from a football mad family, Nuno Gomes had five brothers who played indoor soccer and another eight cousins who played soccer. The family of footballers eventually entered a team in Division 19 of the Lisbon League. The team known as The Arrogance ended up in 2nd place, and were promoted to Division 18. Nuno Gomes, playing alongside cousin Chris Smith, shone throughout the season and picked up the Golden Boot and Lisbona Player of the Year.

However, the following year saw him have a public spat with Chris, with the latter accusing Gomes of being overly arrogant. In an act of jealousy, Chris stole the trophies and ran off to New Zealand.

That year Nuno Gomes left for Fiorentina, where he would form a, then unrivalled strikeforce with Gabriel Batistuta and Enrico Chiesa.

Nuno Gomes made his debut for Portugal in 1997 against The Peoples Republic of Mean. The Portuguese were destroyed by Mean McClean (father of The Sam) scorer of all four goals, in a 4-0 thrashing. Nuno Gomes was infamously sent off.

The Lisboa striker got sent off another seven times in his international career, the most famous being against South Korea in the 2002 World Cup.

His club career took a massive u-turn when Fiorentina got relegated to Serie C, and so he was offloaded to Benfica, his home for the next three years.
Then, in 2005 he moved to Lisboa FC, the home of his cousin Chris Smith. They kissed and made up and the two were reunited in the team.

The Portuguese striker has a killer instinct in front of goal, able to score with both feet, his head, and more impressively, his gluteus maximus.
His tackling needs a bit of work, Gomes has one of the highest foul rates on the planet and has injured many players, including himself, but his goal-scoring makes up for that.

The Lisboa striker is one of the teams greatest assets and Chris Smiths close friend.

Player Profile #5

Steve Cubis
aka. Gary
aka. Dragnet Steve


You could probably say that Steve is the stud in The Sam. Steve is a centre midfield in the team, but a lot of his time is spent away from the pitch, with many a lady friend.

Steve is a respectable soccer player. He is second best in the team after Charles in terms of his ability to do tricks. He usually starts on the bench in games although since Arthur has been out due to injury, Steve has been getting more time. His attacking play is his best and he is uses skilled playe to set up players like Seung and Nick. He can also score suberb goals.

But what he is really skilled in is womanising. Steve is the idol for millions of screaming teenagers. he appears around the world in concerts and movie premiers and has been named bachelor of the year 2006 by 17 leading international womans magazines including Cleo, Cosmopolitan and Vogue. His untamable hair, his babylike skin and his dreamy smile make girls go wild. Steve has his own brand of cologne and it is selling very well.

Steve was bought by The Sam from Yeovil Town for200,000 pounds, so The Sam has made a huge profit. But The sam has had to put up with a lot. Steve fraternates with so much girls that he is often late to training. Has to ring up taxi companies and scream in to the phone "Im first team man!" because he is so late. he has also had more than his fair share of drug enquiries, comunist conspiracies and sex tape scandals.

Steve is also a fashion guru. Anything he wears it seems that all men want to wear it to. He insisted that The Sams clubrooms would have to be reslyled and done up with chrome in order to make The Sam hip. While other players in The Sam are sponsered by the likes if Nike, Adidas and Puma, Steve is sponsered by Gucci. It must be hard playing proffessional football in leather town shoes with sprigs inserted into them, but Steve will go to any attempt.

Steve is a quintesential part of The Sam. His play off the field no way dampens his excellence on it. let the good times continue.

Player Profile #4

Tony Ng
aka. Tooonyyyy
aka. The Ng Mister

Tony Ng is the star of the defense at The Sam. His calmness under pressure makes him able to react to any strikers movements fast. he is also the teams number one goalkeeper at the moment, so his fast reflexes are used well.

Tony was probably the reason shinpads were invented. Tony's agressive nature means that he is every strikers nightmare, second only to Nick Kim. This nature means that he is the most penalised player in the team, however, fouls are needed if clean sheets are to be kept, and Tony knows this. Tony was also the first player to ever be Bum Jooned, and was put out of keeping for half a year.

Tony started his career at The Sam and played keeper and defender in the first tournaments. However Tony and former team mate Chris were sold in a $200 million deal to Arsenal in late September 2005. At first Tony was well adapt to life in England, but later he got sick of playing in a team with bad team moral, horrible history, and players and a manager who seemed a bit well...bent. He quit Arsenal and came back on a free transfer to The Sam. Since then he has prformed extreamly well.

Tony also has his own brand name 'Ng styles'. This brand was made by The Sams commitee in order to sell a line of products to the defenders and goalkeepers of the world, because up till then 'Little Franny Boo' was The Sam's only line of products, and they were made for strikers. Tony has been skeptical about using his name, but the board decided that if Charles name was used, so could Tony's. Ng Styles also has a line of toiletries and kitchen utensils.

But Tony is a leading player on the pitch, he is quick to tell all the midfielders to get back intoposition so he is easily the main person in defense. His attitude and style is every bit worthy of a place in The Sam.

Player Profile #3

Arthur Tse
aka. A-Train
aka. Captain Arthur the Conqueror

Dedication is what makes a footballer great, and what better player to show this than Arthur Tse. He has shown that no matter if your on or off the pitch, work is needed to keep the team in good working order. And his performance on the field? Unbelievable.

Arthur is the star of the defensive midfield. We say defensive midfield, but he can play anywhere from goalkeeper to attacking midfielder with no problem. He can even play striker. Patrick Viera has said that "Even though Arthur is at least five years younger than the best players around, he was still our boyhood idol".

Arthur played professionally for Wairirapa when he was twelve and joined Perth Glory when he was fourteen. He was then offered many contracts in Europe, but, as he was so young, he did not want a serious injury playing in a hard league, so he played the next five years at Dundee United. he was offered places in Barcelona, Beyern Munich and Juventus at the end of his contract, but he recieved word of a new club being set up in his homeland, and quickly returned to be one of the premier players in The Sam. He and Sam set up the commitee of players in The Sam in October of 2005, in which 6 The sam players would come and discuss rules of conduct and team structure. Arthur is responsible for the non-renewal of the contract of player and commitee member Chris Desousa.

Arthur became captain of The Sam in January 2006 from De-Facto captain Sam. He played brilliantly in The sam's first encounter of the year but then disaster struck. Arthur ripped his achilles tendon while training and is now out until the end of the year. A string of poor performances by The Sam in Feburary and March shows how much the team missed the talent of Arthur.

Arthur is skilled in enabelling the defence to become a greater entity. That is, The strikers of The Sam (Charles, Nick, Seung, and Geoff) get the most media attention, and Arthur is able to not only outplay our own strikers, but he is able to get the rest of the defence to do the same, thus avoiding the strikers getting too cockey.

Arthur has easily the greatest experience in the team and can always put players in their place without causing anger in the ranks. We at The Sam are not biased towards any player, but we say that if a list was made of all The Sam players, Arthur would and should be first.