Player Profile #17

Soccer Dave, S Dave.

Soccer Dave is a one-of-a-kind super athlete. Although very late to the scene in terms of The Sam's history, his own personal rise to fame has been extraordinary.

Growing up in the war torn killing/kiwifruit fields of Whakatane, he learnt to Joga from a young age. He watched his legends Tony, Winter and Dixon on the television and vowed to become as good as them.

But winter's are harsh in Whakatane and Dave toiled away making ends meat until he managed to escape down to Wellington, city of dreams.

While staying in the St George hostel, Dave introduced himself to people who would prove helpful to his cause. Like Charles' bogan cousin. He also made himself noticed around town.

Finally he was noticed by Arthur Tse and quick as a flash, he became a fringe player of The Sam, and has gradually made it into the inner fringe of players.

However, things were not always peachy, his life long hero, Dixon, turned into his arch-enemy. Dixon and Dave did not get along, eventually leading to fights on the pitch. The Sam were not going to allow this and a committee was set up to investigate. The committee consisted of Sam McClean. Sam said that Dixon had to go, and that Dave could stay, as long as he kept his cool.

There was also that time Dave lost our token of all things The Sam, the trophy.

Dave remains important to the Sam, as the only real striker in the team, possibly as worthy of praise as the great Loic Tchocreil.

Player Profile #16

The Mask
aka Fred

The Mask, as we know him is a scary evil face, but he is , in factc a quite person who wants to be left alone. His name is Fred and he was brought up in Wanganui.

He started work as a janitor in 1999, but in early 2000 he suffered a bad bout of Hypothermia while climbing Mt Victoria, and his skin became an unfortunate shade of brown with his mouth perminently open and his tonge sticking out.

His career was more or less finished, until one day he met Seung. Seung convinced him to move in with him, The Sam, Tony and Bum Joon in 18 Clifton terrace in 2006. But all except Seung were terrified and shooed him out of the house. he was then forced to sleep in the shelter downa path were the hobos live and scare all passers by. This was until, of course, The Sam needed him in their movie. During production he subjected to torture which included being beat up by Charles on a side of a street and also getting bum jooned by bum joon while being tied in a chair.

He was then put back on the street recieving no payment for his near-major role in them movie. However, Amnesty International are now seeking a court case.

Now Fred appears on many shows including a fortnightly show on David Letterman, usually as comic relief.

Fred has hopes of apologies by The Sam, and does wish to be part of The Sam but can't see that happening.

Profile Featurette #16

BLACK PUDDING

aka. Sweet Sweet Puddin'

------------

Ode to a Puddin'

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace worthy
As lang's my arm.

Ye Pow'rs wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o'fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer,
Gie her a Puddin'!

-------------------------------------

The Black Pudding, a fantasy for many, has been discovered by The Sams' scientists after years of experiments. Sportsmen and great thinkers alike have yearned for a fat-filling goodness that only the Black Pudding can achieve. Made with only the best waste meat around, the Puddin' gives you energy to burn, and burn it does. In fact the energy it gives you is just too much for your body to handle, and must be used with caution, unless, of course you are The Sam. That mega muncher can munch through a Puddin' like Bum Joon on speed, and has no trouble keeping that hard burning energy stored for the future.

But the puddin' is a well designed sporting suppliment, and we have yet to find it's true, spectacular strength building talents.

Player Profile #15

Rickie McGee
aka. Rick-E
aka. The Thriller from New Plymmer-th.

The Sam's only summer signing, Rickie has been offered a place in the club before, but that was ancient history.

Rickie had just turned proffessional and was playing for Vic House (who would go on to lose the semifinal to The Challenge later in the season). He was tauted as the best rookie of 2005 and his diet was applauded by the footballing community (consisting of orange juice and jam toast).

The Sam had just formed, and Arthur personally asked Rickie to be one of the founding members, but was refused due to his sudden success at Vic House.

However, Vic House was relegated the next year. Most people presumed he would leave. Indeed, he was offered contracts from most of the major clubs, Beckham personally came to Wellington to try and get him to join Real Madrid.

But The Vic House owner would not release his contract. Rickie said to the fans of Vic House that if Vic House was promoted, he would stay. They were promoted, largely because of Rickie, but Rickie signed with Deportivo la Coruna. Vic House fans were outraged and now Rickie must watch his back when walking up the terrace.

The Sam asked Rickie if he would like to come into the team in February 2007, only 3 months into his spanish contract. He said yes. The Sam cleared up all the messy bits like paying Deportivo $127million for the contract break and for the purchase of Rickie.

Rickie has reportedly settled well into The Sam lifestyle. His temporary position at the moment is filling in for Charles, but it is hoped he will take up Loics position when Loic leaves later on in the year.

Rickie has a mean left foot and likes nothing more than to get past the opposition and set up a player for a shot. he can score, of course, but he is not as much of a hog as other players we know. Rickie is a player that you can rely on when it really matters.

Profile Featurette #15

A Bum Joon:

If you were to read down to the bottom of this page, you would see an article with the same name as this one. Bum Joon. The difference here is that this is Bum Joon the action rather than the person.

A Bum Joon, or Bum Jooning someone, or getting Bum Jooned, is something of great pride around these parts. So much so that the OBJRT has been formed. The Official Bum Joon Recognising Trust allows people to claim that they have been officially Bum Jooned.

To be officially Bum Jooned you must have the following qualifications:

Number One: You must have been injured (i.e. Injured in a way that has impeded your normal day-to-day activities for a considerable legnth of time) by the person of Bum Joon, whether it be intentional or otherwise.

Number Two: You must have been injured while playing for/against The Sam or in training with The Sam.

Number Three: You must have been injured while doing a random activity (the more ammusing the better), or its effects make your situation ammusing.

Number Four: You must have been mentally hurt in a bad, but relatively ammusing way (For the people around you at least, e.g. Bad purchase on Trade Me or Flat tyre).

Even without these official reasons, a Bum Joon can be commonly used, not so much as a swear word (as it is in Laos and Burundi), but as a word when things just aren't going your way, more like a substitute of bugger.

Needless to say, it is the most common fowl word used in The Sam.

For your information, out of the players in The Sam; Tony, Arthur, Sam, Geoff, Charles and Seung have all been Bum Jooned.

Profile Featurette #14

The Trophy

Many people are ignorant about the history of our most revered trophy.

Its life spans over 500 years.

Don't let its seemingly plastic look decieve you. It is actually solid platinum.

Moulded from the fires of mount Kilimanjaro, the trophy (of course without the stand) became the winners cup for the African nations cup between 1470 and 1760.

After this it was stolen and taken to the Gobi desert and hidden. But it was fabled to only be able to be found by the person who would be the ancestor of the "one".

A nomad called Vlad the Impailer found this most glorious of artifacts, and headed to Peking. There he became famous and lived happily. His ancestors moved to new zealand, and His ancestor Geoffrey Wong was "the one" who was to bought the trophy to The Sam.

The trophy is known to have special qualities, like Bum Joonage prevention, and also a coupon key card. it can also be used as a fake microphone when somebody's favourite song is played.

Bum Joon, Charles and Dave have all won this prestigious prize.

Player Profile #14

DEREK WAN

aka. The Samurai.

Derek is largely forgotten when The Sam is mentioned nowadays. With so many players, and so much competitions, it is quite easy to forget the ones who left before The Sam became Internationally recognised and feared.

Derek seemed to be a true blue when it came to The Sam. Most though he would stick around. He was known as the best player when it came to tackling, which led to his nick-name, 'the samurai' due to his ability to unexpectedly take the ball off other players.

Dereks storry with The Sam is eventually a sorrowfull one. After going through the first season looking foreward to the next, Derek hit a bump. We all know his painfull addiction to Mongololian Cow mucus, it was a very complicated time for Derek, and the media did not help. they made it to seem really bad. Dereks complication was soon surpassed by the sacking od desousa, and derek was left alone for a while.

Derek stated that he was ready for first team appearances, but he was left out of the squad and only made two appearances in summer soccer.

The Sam would like to reject stereotypes about Derek, and say that he is not very short, as most think he is.

Derek is currently in court laying charges against The Sam management. However, despite this, we would like to praise Derek for his contribution to the team.

Profile Featurette #13

Duck

Born and bred in the Wairarapa, the duck is an odd creature, designed for swimming, flying and joga bonito.

Its discovery by Masterton pair Arthur Tse and Geoffrey Wong meant The Sam FC finally had a new mascot, after the huge failure of Roger the Wall Wrecking Rat.

The duck resides at Lakeview, Masterton, owned by Arthur where it spends most of its day eating snails and chasing the mailman. Due to its popularity, especially amongst the elderly, the number of ducks increased at Lakeview and at one time there were as many as 14 ducks living at the A-Train residence.

What distinguishs the duck from other animals is its ability to play soccer. It has supreme dribbling ability, great leadership on the pitch and is capable of juggling the ball for long periods of time. One duck was recorded to have juggled a soccer ball on its beak for 5 days straight. It died afterwards from exhaustion. Sad story.

Since becoming the mascot for The Sam, the duck has also become acquainted with many other teams and is now statistically the most widely used mascot of any sports team. Famous ducks such as Newcastles Toon Duck have gone on to become successful actors in daytime soap operas.

These days, unfortunately, the duck is often hunted by poachers for its fur and numbers are on the decline. The duck is near extinction and there are only about 10 billion left in the wilderness. But The Sam FC remain supportive and have several wildlife reserves, where the duck continues to be bred for mascot superstardom.

Profile Featurette #12

The Long Room

aka. The Sam's Training Ground

The most sophisticated training facility outside of the USA, the Long Room provides The Sam with much needed physical and mental preparation.

Its long rectangle shape allows for modern speed tests and passing practice. Its solid wall provides good shooting practice and its rock-wall overhang part provides adequate sleeping facilities.

Its bleak style helps the team become totally focussed on training, due to there being nothing at all to look at other than the ball. The metal poles on the roof makes the football deflect off them and land in awkward places, sometimes even back to the player who kicked it, thus reminding the players that Wellington Wind can also do this. The green floor reminds the team of grass.

The Long Room is also a set for the Tse-Wong film Own Goal when The Sam is having a practice before the final. Tour operators are now on a waiting list to be allowed to travel into the room.

Most importantly, the Long Room is the official facility for Bum Joon practice. Thrill seekers, on their way between the sky-dives of Queenstown and the Bungy-jumps of the North Island, pay a fee to stand against the back wall and have Bum Joon smash a ball at them. This is only for the rich, however. Five minutes with The Joon will set you back as much as $70,000.

The Long Room is thought to be a definite asset to The Sam in terms of their success on the pitch, and hopefully it won't let them down.

Player Profile #13

Zell
aka. Zellgado

"From the depths of Malaysia He came...He comes to us now...at the turn of the tide"

Zell, along with Loic, was The Sam's new recruit for Spring 2006. Not only has Zell proved himself worthy of his place in The Sam, he looks to be a dependable player for the future.

Zell grew up in southern Malaysia, living a lifestyle devoted to football. he was recognised as Malaysia's best chance of getting into the World Cup since he was 16 and became a well known name in Southern Asia, along with Winter and Duc. But his dream was to play in Italy, and for the Azzurri.

Zell played for Inter and AC Milan winning trophy after trophy, and becoming a big star. His dream was almonst complete when he almost allowed to play for Italy with weeks before his permenant residency came through. However, match-fixing scandels throughout Italy made Zell think again, and Zell went to the second-best footballing country, New Zealand.

He was offered a contract with Vietnamese Fantasy, but he refused, saying that the depth of the team was so big, that a spot on the bench would not suit him at all, as well as the team chemestry being low. The sam then scooped up Zell, trained him in their ways, and he is now a fully fledged member.

Zell is a cunning defender, and a tricky midfielder. When he has the ball, it is near impossible to confront him and come away with the ball. His keeper skills are not bad either.

Unlike the traditional The Sam members, BK is not Zell's staple diet, he prefers a nice wholesome roast Chicken dinner . He is, without a doubt, the fittest guy on the pitch.

When Zell joined, many said that he was the new Winter. He isn't. There will never be another Winter, and there never will be another Zell. Zell is Zell. And Zell is good. He brings a new style of play into the team. People say that keeping it traditional is better, but as Butterfly Boucher says:

"Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!...Turn and face the Strain! Time may Change me, but you can't Change time!"

Coming Soon

Every Dream Has a Beginning: (own) GOAL! in cinema's this fall.

big time

geoffrey 'the' ng is back. movie is coming soon. shirts are coming soon... apparently

Profile Featurette #11

Bishop Viard College
aka. BVC
aka. Viard

Since The Sam has become a household name, Viard has become a school that parents have wanted their kids to be taught at. Icons such as Bum Joon, Sam McClean, Derek Wan and Steve Cubis all hail from its dark lonely corridors.

But it was not always such a highly regarded school.

In 1997 when Steve and Sam started, the toilets were cleaned once every two weeks, so after the first three days, students would have to find their own means of toilet paper. The desks that each student had dated back to the sixties, and the text books in most subjects had not only been used for decades, they had been given to the school second hand from one of the neighbouring schools.

The canteen was cruddy and so was the soccer. Nothing was good and it was made worse when students realised that the biggest mental hospital in New Zealand was just behind the school.

Sam and Steve struggled to come to grips with their situation Steve used computers to get away from it, and Sam used soccer. The soccer team had not one a game since 1992 (thats the truth), and played like idiots. Sam also worked in the school canteen.

But one day in April 2001, someone came who would change school life forever. Nick Kim. With his seemingly non-caring attitude saying stuff like "whats the point" or "its just inevitable" he brought the old system to its knees. Sam practices shots on the field with Joon, except Sam never shot and Nick never was keeper. Nick paid well over $500 in damaged windows.

Derek arrived as well, and for some reason he never went to class. He would be seen just wandering around school doing nothing during class time.

At the sixth form formal, Nick was late to the formal suit shop so he had to wear casual clothes. He would also point out to the english class, very strange things. for example, once he said loudly in a casual intellegent voice that "fionas wearing pink underwear". Yet, to be truthful, he had only been in New Zealand two years, and he came first in English out of the whole class in bursary. Nick became known for his massive long range shots when he played left wing for the 1st XI, and he became widely known for his dribbling skill and lack of passing.

Yeah, school was tough for our heroes. For them, Viard was a chore, something they were forced into, they didn't choose it, but BVC forged their destiny.

Player Profile #12

Loic Tchoukriel-Thebaud

aka Frenchie
aka Gary Neville

Nationality: France, Turkey, England
Club: The Sam FC, Lyon, Man Utd

'The teamwork of The Sam FC is dazzling. Abo with the ball now. Abo, onto Chaz. Chaz puts a through ball for Gary Neville. Gary Neville? Huh?
......
.......
......oh its just Loic.'

A free transfer from Lyon, The Sam FC quickly snapped up Loic who had attracted the likes of Chelsea, Real Madrid and Newcastle. His purchase marked a new beginning for The Sam who are in need of a replacement for the departing Bum Joon Kim.

The Gary Neville clone was brought up in middle class Lyon and played football for a local club team before he moved to Olympique Lyonnais where he helped them win the league 4 times. However a bustup with team mate Cris saw Loic leave the French club and France completely.

His first instinct was to go to England to play for Man Utd, but they already had Gary Neville so he decided to join the next best thing - The Sam FC. His arrival saw The Sam FC win 3 games in a row, and Loic scoring a hat-trick on the final day of The Indoor Soccer League. Since then he has commited to The Sam, signing a new contract and declaring himself available for Joga Tonito, the Twilight Soccer team equivalent of The Sam FC.

Loic is a central or right-sided midfielder, who plays similarly to David Beckham (who ironically is best friends with Gary Neville). He has brilliant passing ability, which makes up for his lack of pace, and an eye for goal. The Frenchman is also the most elegant footballer in The Sam FC; his technique and movement are distinct European attributes.

With only a few games under his belt, Loic is hardly a The Sam star, however he has shown great potential and should be watched more in the future - as opposed to Gary Neville.

Profile Featurette #10

The Man
aka. Rec Centre Guy.

The Man is a man many would call a hero. he alone created the indoor soccer league, whic the best teams in the world curently play.

He has seen teams the likes of the Mean McCleans, The Arrogance, The Challenge, Equinov, Vietnamese Fantasy, Iraq, and of course, The Sam, come through his doors on their way to stardom.

He started the competition way back in 1911, when the groundskeeper of Kelburn Park refused to let the teams onto the pitch because of spectulation of ball hampering.

So The Man opened the gym to the teams and created a new league. 'Mathew & Son' won it the first 7 years, and back then, they only had a five minute break for a cup of cold coffee and a piece of cake.

Then the original Team Africa came in the 1930's, and their striker JJ bacame the top scorer ever.

Competition was halted during the war years, but resumed with the coming of Mean McCleans.

The Man has had his problems too. He was directly involved in an incident with Mean McCleans when a player did a diving tackle, resulting in one of The Arrogance players pulling his hair.

He also had to deal with the scandels of mid 2006 with The Challenge and Equinov. Eqinov's match-fixing apparantly meant that they were paying The Man to let them win. And The Challenge were illegally trying to buy up and coming Vietnamese Fantasy's players as they were all getting too old.

The Man is still theman of the rec however, and his job is an envyable one. The Sam salutes The Man.

Player Profile #11

DAVE

aka Dave Abricossow
aka Dave Abo
aka Dave Abbondanzieri
aka Midfield Maestro

Nationality: New Zealand/Argentina/Thorndon/Te Puke

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, The Rebel Alliance fought an epic battle against the evil Republic, in what was commonly known as The Star Wars. The Rebel Alliance had a light sabre-wielding hero called Luke Skywalker who led them to many victories.

In a parallel universe, The Sam FC fought an epic battle against some indoor soccer teams in The Victoria Indoor Soccer League. They had a cricket bat-wielding hero called Dave Abo who led them to many wins.

Dave Abo was one of the more recent additions to The Sam FC having joined them in mid 2006 from New World Thorndon United. His capture ended a very long drawn out transfer in which negotiations between the clubs were slow and seemingly endless.
Dave Abo was originally on loan from NWT Utd and appeared for The Sam in Summer Soccer but acquiring him permanently took a lot of time.

However he has turned out to be one of The Sams best pieces of business.

Dave Abo is the engine room of The Sam FC, dictating the pace of the game from the centre of the court with his unmatchable passing and vision. His presence gives The Sam confidence and that has shown in recent statistics showing The Sam's victories coinciding with Daves presence.
He has aggression and strength making him a superb defender, and is a player who always plays with 120%. He has no equals in The Sam FC, not even TheSam who described Abo as 'Pele from The Bay'

The midfield marshall also has an eye for goal and is leading goal-scorer for The Sam this year.

Such is Dave Abos influence that The Sam FC have extended his contract while he is also favourite to win The Sam Player of The Year.

Dave Abo is also a keen cricket player who in his spare time likes long walks on the beach, braiding his hair and bagging groceries.

Profile Featurette #9.

The Seung Song.

The Seung song is probably the most famous song in The Sam. It is strange to say this because 'Mathew and Son' is officially The Sam's song. However, weve put up the lyrics. Hope you like it.

The Sam
Seung Song

This thing right here
Is lettin all the ladies know
What this guy’s all about
You know
The finer things in life
Hahaha
Check it out

Ooh dat cross so scandalous
And ya know another nigga couldn't handle it
See ya shootin that thang like who's da ish
With a look in ya eye so devilish

Uh
ya like to dance at all the hip hop spots
And ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots
At japanese bar he likes to stop
Cuz he was livin la vida loca

BRIDGE
he had jumps like a truck truck truck
He’s like what what? What?
He likes to try his Luck Luck Luck
Uh
I think to sing it again
he had jumps like a truck truck truck
He’s like what what? What?
All game long
Let me sing that seung song

CHORUS
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
He can make his volley go da na da na
Man I know you wanna sing da na da na
That seung th seung seung song
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
He can really show off now da na da na
Man I know you wanna sing da na da na
That seung th seung seung song

That goal’s so scandalous
And I know another nigga couldn't handle it
See ya shootin that thang like who's da ish
With a look in his eye so devilish
Uh
he like to dance at all the hip hop spots
And he cruise to the crews like connect da dots
And yellow balloons he likes to pop
Cuz he was livin la vida loca

CHORUS (3x)

Whoa
Uh
alright
Uh whoa yeah
Ooh
Whoa
(Like it when the beat goes da na da na)
(He can play around now da na da na)
(yo I know you wanna sing da na da na)
Baby
(That seung th seung seung song)
(I like it when the beat goes da na da na)
(Show me what you can do da na da na)
(Girl I know you wanna sing da na da na)
(That seung th seung seung song)

.......to fade

Talent Scout #8.

Titus Bramble
aka. What a Bramble
aka. Why, Bramble, Why?

The Rock in the Toons defence, Titus Bramble is a sharp eyed ruthless footballer. Always taking the play of the game to his advantage, Bramble uses his oversised head to steer newcastle to an important victory, or indeed, to an unfortunate defeat.

Titus came through Newcastle's acadamy, and as Keegan put it, "this boy will be a European star". His star shone quickly, and Titus was soon in the England under-21's. However, he was confined to the defence, and as Newcastle had such a great attacking force, yet a shallow defence, Brable could not grow and further. However, Bramble's prayers of a new skilled defensive idol were come true in 2005 with the coming of Jean-Alain Boumsong. Bramble then learnt how to do skilled tackes to end their runs into the penalty box before a corner kick, and end their careers with brilliant tackles showing brambles physical manouverability.

Bramble came into attention from The Sam in a friendly game with the Wellington team in late 2005. Newcastle were leading 2-1 at the hour mark thanks to two brilliant shots by Albert Luque, and The Sam had got one back through Geoffrey Wong. The Sam defender Arthur performed a wonderfull run through Bowyer and Dyer, and was one-on-one with harper, when out of no-where, Bramble swung his foot, and sent Arthur out of football for eight months with a fractured ankle. Boumsong appauded wildly, but the crowd was silent.

Bramble has been sent off no less than 8 times for newcastle, and he is striving for more, with all his skills refreshed. His best times come from freekick situations, when he lets Given/Harper do all the work in marking the lethal player. He is very skilled in knowing what players are not a threat (eg, Cahill, Bullard, Kuyt, Giggs, Ronaldo, you get the picture).

The Sam is interested in Bramble as they have gone for the aggressive approach this year, and Bramble fits right in.

Talent Scout #7

Benjamin Mwaruwari
aka BENJANI

Nationality: Zimbabwe
Club: Portsmouth

Not since Samuel Eto'o from Cameroon made his mark in the Spanish League has an African player made such an impact on a football league.

Benjani, of Portsmouth in the English Premier League has become a living legend since arriving in Pompey for a record transfer fee.

He found life tough at first, after turning to Emile Heskey for goal scoring advice. Nobody told him that the former Liverpool striker had horrible finishing. To make matters worse, the Sky Sport commentators coudn't even say his proper name 'Mwaruwari' and so they named him 'Benjani', a name most people laugh at.

Things changed this year though. Benjani is scoring goals like crazy and everywhere football fans are buying him for their Fantasy Prem team.

Some say the change was due to the arrival of another African to partner him in attack, Kanu of Nigeria. However Benjani has told media that there were other reasons.

'I practised Bum Joon shots with The Sam by hanging from a bar in the long room', the Zimbabwean striker told Goal.com.

Portsmouth are flying high in the Premier League at the moment and if Benjani continues his goalscoring form, I will make him my captain on Fantasy Prem...oh, and Portsmouth will get into Europe.

Player Profile #10

Keeth Lee
aka. Keef
aka. Kickbox Keef

Keeth is the coolest thing at The Sam right now. He has actually been at The Sam ever since the beginning, but it has only been in the last month since the world has acknowledged Keeths skill.

Growing up at Krapiti College with Charles, Keeth had it tough. Keeth had to learn football, and learn it fast to keep his skill to a satisfactory level. However, Keeth started to lax out on his skill and he was very lucky to be invited to the first ever training of The Sam, with only three others. Possibly his relationship with Charles got him through.

Unfortunately Keeth was not put into the first team of The Sam in the first competition. He played one game, and did not leave any mark on the game. The same could be said of his performance in the summer league. The second indoor league came, and The Sam, seizing the chance to gain some new talent, created a new team altogether, The Fatties. Keeth was taken out of The Sam and put into The Fatties. There Keeth showed his true form. Starting every game, he quickly developed into a player with killer ball control and super strong defence. Once rated alongside Steve and Ramage, Keeth was now a definete first team player in The Sam. His performance in his first game back for The sam earnt him keeper of the season. Keeth appears in all games now.

Keeth, in his spare time, is a kickboxer. This is quite benifitting for The Sam seen as the team has had a few aggressive moments in recent years. However, Keeth, while doing martial arts training in nepal, has learnt to keep calm under pressure. That being said, he would surely like to practice some KA-POW on Desousa if the opportunity arose. His calmness is a great virtue. While due to his looks, he has been rated as good looking as Steve and Seung, keeth is not seen walking around town with 5 girls giggling beside him.

Keeth has been the outsider of The Sam for so long, that he has come back and revealed himself in his true glory. A bit more than average footballer, but an awesome The Sam member, who can KA-POW people.

Profile Featurette #8

The Asian Influence

Arsenal have often been called the French team of England for their large number of French players. Other teams have also been recognised for their certain ethnic collection - Barcelona for their Brazilians, Liverpool for their Spanish contingent and more recently The Sam FC for their predominantly Asian team. We analyze the latter and the effect the Asians have on the club.

If you were to stroll into Kelburn Park, home of The Sam FC, there is a chance you may initially mistake it for Team Asia. After all The Sam FC is made up of 99% Asian players. From defensive player Tony Ng to striker Geoffrey Wong, The Sam has blended together a mixture of herbs and spices and created a team with the flair and skill of Asia.

The beginning of the Asia Era began when the class of 2004 all retired leaving The Sam as the only first team player left for The Sam. The player/coach/manager/checkout-chick then sent his scouts all over the world for possible The Sam recruits.

Scouts searched far and wide, from Armenia to Zambia but it became clear that the Asian market was the place to look. After all, it was home to players with the skill of Brazilians and outrageous hairstyles, not to mention all Asian countries have a soccer shop in every town and city.

The Sam quickly snapped up Bum Joon Kim (Rep. of Korea), Chaz Hornblow (Papua New Guinea) and Keith Lee (Malaysia).

Early 2005 saw an influx of more Asians into The Sam. In came the Chinese (Arthur, Derek, Geoff, Tony, Winter), the Vietnamese (Duc, Hieu, Pake) and another Korean (Seung).

The Asian Invasion had brought major marketing success to The Sam and soon after many other clubs followed suit, sending scouts to Asia for players. The Challenge brought in an ensemble of Chinese, Vietnamese Fantasy brought in...Vietnamese.

But apart from marketing success, The Asian-influenced team have provided The Sam with success in the beautiful game. Medals and trophies began appearing in the trophy cabinet, and now The Sam have established themselves as one of the top ten best clubs in the world alongside Real Madrid, Barcelona and AC Milan.

This year The Sam have lost some of their players who went back to Asia. Derek Wang and Seung Park (the most popular shirt seller in Asia, even above Beckham) are the two biggest losses. Bum Joon Kim and Winter will soon join the exodus as clubs around the world are now looking to Asians for football glory.

But The Sam have added Dave Abbondanzieri, a player of Sri Lankan descent to their team roster, one that is already dominated by Asian names.

And why not? After all, girls everywhere in Japan wear Hornblow shirts, school boys in China wake up to watch The Sam play at odd hours of the morning and Koreans everywhere shout 'BUM JOON! BUM JOON!'

Profile Featurette #7

The Challenge.

aka. The most popular team ever


The Challenge were definetely a team to beat. Although their physical attributes were not perfect, their skill made up for it ten-fold.

The only unfortunate aspect about The Challenge was that the team was around exactly when Equinov were reaching one of their many peaks. The predominantly Chinese team had easy beats in all competitions right up until the final when most of the time they were beaten by Equinov.

The Challenge have left a lasting imprint on the history of the competition by the massive crouds that gathered when The Challenge played. Even teams like The Sam, Tui Tubbies and shiney helicopter stripes are not able to get crouds of one tenth the size.

The Challenge, although they are a completely asian based team, actually originated in Trinidad. The people in Trinidad were sick of people comparing them to Tobago so They decided to create a wonder team to whip any Tobagan teams. Unfortunately, it seems that there were no good Tdinidadian players good enough, so they had to send players from China to beat them. The Chinese players (the challenge) were horrified by "these Tobagan rituals" that they saw on Tobago that they fled to New Zealand for recuperation.

After years of competition and only a few medals, The Challenge saw hope in 2006 with the Match fixing debarcle which destroyed Equinov. Unfortunetely The Challenge were now old and there once superstars withering into nothing. The Challenge was also losing money from their unsuccessful campaigns. They were then forced to sell their players for small amounts of money. But teams in the competition did not want the players so they were sold into illegal slavery in Herzegovina. One player remains however. He was bought by The Tree Ninja Kollektiv for $4million.

It is sad to see an old superpower of the game to fade like this. But it leaves more space for the rest of us.

Profile Featurette #6

Christopher Nelson Smith DeSousa
aka Chris
aka The Chris

Club Everton (NZ), Lisboa (Portugal)
Nationality Portugal, Nelson, Holland

In physics The Third Law of Motion states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. We here at The Sam don't care too much about these things.

However, legend has it that around the same time that The Sam was born, another man was also born, with powers to rival The Sam, but who would be known as The AntiSam. The man - DeSousa.

Despite the fact that he is a good footballer, DeSousa is known more for the fact that he is The Sams arch-nemesis - and number one arch-nemesis at that.

Born with the ability to tick people off, DeSousa also possesses superhuman arrogance and the ability to take all the fun out of a soccer game. He uses these powers constantly in an attempt to fulfil his destiny - to destroy The Sam.

There have been many attempts to thwart The Sams plans, but the biggest one to date was the infiltration of The Sam, famously nicknamed DeSousaGate.

In the summer of 2005, DeSousa disguised himself as a carefree footballer and turned up to The Sam training session, where after a few weeks became a permanent name on the roster.

While there DeSousa stole many valuable things from The Sam FC including The Sword Excalibur, The World Club Cup and a handful of Indoor Soccer medals, all possessions of great worth owned by The Sam. The entire planet went through a temporary 'depression' as shareholders of the items went crazy over their disappearance.

This incident is written in history, and is taught in NCEA English Level 2.

The power struggle between The Sam and DeSousa is one that may never end. Philosophers predict that the battle will continue on until eternitys end.

In the meantime, DeSousa will try to destroy The Sam on the pitch as his new team Everton face off against The Sam in the Indoor Soccer League.

Player Profile #9

Geoffrey Wong
aka. Geofsinho
aka. Geoffrey Ng
aka. The DOMINATOR

The latest member of The Sam to join the awe inspiring committee of members, Geoff is definitely as good as, if not better than his colleagues in the committee. Hopefully more will come.

Born and raised (like captain Arthur) in the mighty Wairarapa, Geoff quickly learnt his footballing skills and was a representative in the major tounaments for juniors in Oceania. Unlike hometown pal Arthur, Geoff set his sights not on Europe, but on New Zealands finest The New Zealand Kingz. The signing bought the New Zealand public some hope that a New Zealand team could actually do something. Alas this was not to be-for even if the Kingz were full of stars, it would be impossible for the Kings to do any better than second last, purely because there is a point when a team can go so low that they can never become any higher.

However Geoff did not give up on his country so easily. He went on to play for The All Whites at the confederations cup. Geoff was the saviour of New Zealand when he scored the equalising goal against Scotland that year, in which Dickov had to reply "Ach! Whats me bonney wee native land coom tae? Weer aabsooluutely paathetic! Ohh aye and I bet yous wee scallywags oover there in Neuw Zeeland think your simpley greet! Ach! GOONAE NOOO DAE THAAAT!" Geoff had certainly shown his brilliance. He was sponsered later that year by Dominate hair products and had a $3 million deal with them.

Newcastle United then offered $17 million to buy Geoff (money which is not known if they had any way) Geoff rejected because besides not wanting to play in Europe, he didn't want to have to play in the Intertoto cup year by year and losing to teams called Streiberkauskin GK from a country God knows where each year.

In 2005 The Sam was bought into being. Geoff leapt at the chance of playing at The Sam. However, he signed late and he was only able to play a handful of games that season. At the end of the year, Chris DeSousa was desmissed and The Sam had to choose who would replace him in the committee. Geoff got the place in front of Nick, and their were threats of Bum Jooning occuring anywhere and everywhere so all balls were confiscated around Kelburn and Geoff had to have body guards around him at all times, even in rooms with 1 meter thick walls, as physics has not yet found how powerfull a Bum Jooning can be.

Geoff is the only two foot player in The Sam. His most famous play is the goal scoring by his left foot at a tight left angle to the goal. His four goals scored for the Sam in one game in 2006 is proof of his special abilities. Will he steal the show in 2006?

Profile Featurette #5

The SAMbas

A team known for their extravagant style of football, The Sambas are one of the most widely supported teams in the world. They invented the very concept of 'Play Beautiful' or 'Joga Bonito' and choreographed the Pringles commercial. A team started up by The Sam, The Sambas are based in Sao Paulo, Brazil.

Team Members:

Adriartho

Defender/Defensive Midfielder.

Bum Jooninho

Sweeper/Midfielder/Winger/Forward

Chazinho Del Horno

Striker/Wing Forward.

Craiginha

Winger/Wing Forward

Davino Abbondanzieri

Defender/Midfielder

Geofsinho

Winger/Striker

Marcos Evangelista de Moraes Keefu

Goalkeeper/Midfielder

Pakelele Pakinho

Defender/Midfielder

Samao Sabrosa

Goalkeeper/Defender/Midfielder/Centre Forward

Seunginho

Midfielder/Forward

Steve De Souza Robinho Cubisneto

Defensive Midfielder

Tonaldinho

Goalkeeper/Defender/Defensive Midfielder

Wintero Carlos

Full Back/Defender/Midfielder

Player Profile #8

THE SAM
aka Thesam
aka Samuel McClean
aka Samao Sabrosa
aka Sam

Nationality New Zealand, Scotland, Greece, England, Plimmerton
Club The Sam FC

The year 2005 could be described by historians as a bad one. Storms caused chaos throughout the planet, suicide bombers killed innocent people, not to mention war erupted between a certain Chinese guy and an arrogant Portuguese guy.

However one event occured that ensured that the year 2005 would be a good one - the emergence of The Sam and his club The Sam FC.

A man with better soccer skills than Pele or Maradona and more political powers than George W Bush, the emergence of The Sam was predicted by Nostradamus who described him as a cross between Goku and Captain Planet but with curly hair, and who would influence the game of soccer like no other.

A genuine world class footballer, The Sam is known for his pinpoint accurate passing, perfectly timed tackles and unmatchable ability to stack milk on the shelves at New World Thorndon.
His swashbuckling style of play, outrageous tricks and level of influence on the pitch represent the very embodiment of joga bonito and because of that The Sam is one of the worlds most respected individuals.

Success follows The Sam. He has won World Player of the Year 5 times and Employee of the Month 12 times and is on track to leading The Sam FC to a record 34th Victoria Indoor League title.

But there is another side to the founder of The Sam FC. He pursued a music career in 2004 and released an album called The Voice of The Sam. It was a major success with 'Little Franny Boo where are you?' and 'Seung Song' reaching number one in UK and USA.
He also sponsors a child in Africa for World Vision and recently visited Equatorial Guinea to feature in a Charity football match.

The year 2005 will be remembered as a good one. It will be forever written into the pages of history as The Year of The Sam.

Talent Scout #6

Jean Alain Boumsong
aka The BUMEDsong

The French are known for their great defenders. Thuram, Gallas, Napoleon Bonaparte - all great defenders. However Les Bleu also tend to produce average defenders. Very average ones.

For a long time Pascal Cygan (of Arsenal) was known as the worst French defender. He held onto that title for a very long time. Players like Silvestre and Traore challenged the title but Cygan always came out best...I mean worst.

However 2005 saw the rise of an even worse defender 'GASP'. Everyone saw Jean Alain Boumsong in action and in a split second Cygan was forgotten.

Sporting the criminal colours of Newcastle, Boumsong is often seen tackling his own players, tripping over his adidas Predator boots (Bought second-hand off Raul) and scoring own goals.
His most memorable moment was in a match against Cheltenham Town in which he simultaneously scored an own goal and injured his own team mate and captain Alan Shearer, ending the Newcastle legends career.

Yet Boumsong made the French national squad. Not only that - he made the French national squad that made the Final of the World Cup 2006.

The new Premier League season is about to begin and Newcastle fans can only cringe at the fact that the BOOMsong may feature. But we here at The Sam FC will be right behind him, supporting him all the way-hahahahahahaha. Nah, just kidding.

Player Profile #7

Winter Liu
aka. The Chinese Storm
aka. The Assist-o-maniac

Winter is an amazing contribution t0 The Sam. His all field play helps The Sam get into great goal scoring opportunities. What is unusual about Winter is that his position is usually left back, but when he moves foreward he goes up the right wing.

Winter started his career in far Western China beside the Gobi Desert. He learnt to be a unbelievably talented player by the age of fifteen, and he was known across Western China as 'The boy who can kick a round ball goodly'. His achievements spread across foriegn lands until it reached the ears of a wize old man in Vietnam. This man had in his family another great young player called Duc. The man saw his chance and payed for Winter to join him in his village. Duc and Winter together were now the two best players from Mumbai to Kumchutka. Unfortunetely both of the boys were captures by a dark wizard. Duc escaped by having a (vietnamese) fantasy and learning how to get out in his dream. Winter was taken to japan were he was used to make money for showing his supurb soccer skills. While there, The Sam player Charles Hornblow was on a scouting mission in Japan, and he happened to see Winter one day. Charles briefly talked to hgis The Sam colleagues and promptly offered a transfer fee of $27 million for Winter.

Winter then began strutting his stuff. He performed so well for The Sam that he bacame first team straight away. His nick-name Assist-o-maniac comes from so many assists coming from the foot of Winter. At the beginning of 2006, there was a scare that Winter may leave The Sam for Organic Gangstas or The Challenge but The Sam's board assured fans that no teams in this competition could afford Winter with his minimum $78 million asking price.

Disaster struck in the middle of 2006 though. Winter had to minimise his The Sam playing time drastically to leave time for other commitments. However, it is assured that Winter, even if he does not play another game for The Sam, is contracted to The Sam until well into 2010, so there is no chance that another team may purchase him as is the case with Seung.

Having Winter play for The Sam has been very inspirational for the team. As one of the most reliable, friendly and skillful players of The Sam, he will not only be sorely missed, he will be irreplaceble.

Profile Featurette #4

Equinov

The Creme de la Creme of semester football. Equinov have won the title the most out of any team, winning 27 times since 1953. They consist of large brutal players who are as nimble as ballet dancers and just flexing their muscles causes glass to crack.

Formed when the University was young, Equinov had to wait forty years before their first title, which was a hard fought battle. Since then they have been the only perminent power in semester football. Mean McCleans came and went in the '70's and Equinov could not win a single title when the Means were around, but got back to their winning ways when the Means left for Europe. In the ninties The Challenge arrived from Asia to make a massive problem for Equinov. However, Equnov still managed to win the majority of tournaments. That is, until The Sam arrived. The Sam went straight to their winning ways and destroyed Equinov countless times. Fans of The Sam made up a song for Equinov it went "Franny boo killed the Equinov star".

The Sam wern't impenitrable though, and Equinov won a few games. The Challenge is still there as well. Equinov don't seem to be dwindelling, but their presence on the court is not as strong as it once was, many years ago.

Equinov have been engaging talks with The Sam reserves Brady and Matt. Although The Sam would not comment, it would be disasterous for The Sam if Equinov got their hands on these two rising stars. Especially with Park Seung leaving.

Equinov are the team to beat, but will it stay that way?

Profile Featurette #3

The Fatties

This team is a team that doesn't care about the odds against them, they'll still fight to the end. The fatties are one of The Sam's catchment teams.

The Sam chose FFF member Keith to lead the Fatties into battle, during the season, Sam, Tony and Charles also played for the Fatties. The fatties were expected to come last in their pool, yet they defeated the odds and came fourth. In their last game, substitutions were called from The Sam and the Fatties destroyed their opponents, coming in 15th place, exactly the same place as The Sam last year.

New members in the fatties included girls, because The Sam says that anyone can be good at soccer, in fact the girls were probably the best players on the team.

The Sam are still holding negotiations to decide whether the Fatties should still be an entity next semester. Also The Sam are wondering if they should promote some of the players to The Sam. Due to Park Seung leaving, The Sam are short of players.

This reporter hopes that the Fatties stay, but we'll see in the future.

Profile Featurette #2

Kelburn Park.
aka. Samford Bridge
aka. St Charles' Park
aka. The Theatre of Means

This field is the most important landmark for The Sam. Its brilliantly cut lawns and superb caretakers make it one hell of a pitch. But it has a long and interesting history, culminating to when The Sam first met...

In the fourteenth century, as Maori warriors were searching out the land for Moa, they came across a harbour. They were mildly interested in it, but their facination, was just to one side of the harbour. Up a steep hill, which they named 'a' or 'the' terrace, they came to a patch of land, which was as flat as could be, and had no trees growing on it. To the side there was a little white cottage. very soon, this plump little old man walked up to them from the cottage and said, "who the bloody hell are you-coming onto my park. The fields closed! I'll tell you what, get off, and i'll draw up some lines beside the field so you can play in it.

And so the Kelburn Park name was made famous. In the early 20's, New Zealand football was dominated by a team called 'The Martin'. This team was based at Kelburn Park. After four years of domination, strife in the team culminated in a huge battle at Kelburn Park. The reason for the battle was that a player called Dennis Smith or "DeSousa" decided the team should be called The Dennis because he was the best player and he called Martin 'Rubbish' The team faded into nothing because neither side won. In the 60's, Mean McClean's won three successive titles and went onto beat Lisbona-the team founded by Dennis. Frank Smith, son of Dennis and father of another annoying 'prodigy', decided that Kelburn Park should be back in Desousa hands. The two teams played each other for 48 hours non stop to decide who was going to keep the park. Simon Hornblow, an unknown relative from Charles' past, scored a whopper of a goal to ensure the park stayed in good hands. A memorial fountain was put up to remember that important day. And for 40 years nothing happened.

Bobby 'Crazy eyes' Bi'basso arrived in 1986. Kelburn Park was first used again in 2005. Sam met Charles at a class, and Nick and Keeth arrived minutes later to begin The Sam's era. The next week, The Sam had equired for times as many players including Tony, Arthur, Derek, Geoff, plus many more and including Chris Smith. Chris had been sent by his father to try again capture Kelburn Park. Chris always made a point to play at Kelburn rather than other field in order to play a battlle and capture it. Tony and Charles unfortunetely were sucked into his trap. They were lured by Arsenals attractive men so they played on Chris's side during the battles! The Sam has yet to forgive them for this. Fortunetely the non Arsenal supporters always won (obviously) so the park was kept. As a last resort, Chris decided to try and split the team. He started a war with Arthur. Most of the team immediately rushed with Arthur but there were worries that Tony and Charles would join Chris. But eventually Chris suffered a major defeat.

Kelburn Park has been very kind to The Sam. The Sam play around 80-90% of their game time at the park, yet only one injury has been made there. Also, because of the small distance to the university, students will take an hour of as a treat to go and watch The Sam, thus we have The Sam groopees. Long may the grass grow.

Talent Scout #5

MANPREET

aka Manager of Burger King
aka Manager of BK United

Club BK United

A genuine hero for his club and restaurant, Manpreet's day and night jobs are strangely similar


DAY
Player/Coach/Manager of BK United
NIGHT
Manager of BK Manners Mall

DAY
Ordering players around
NIGHT
Ordering workers around

DAY
Playing international friendlies
NIGHT
Works with friendly internationals

DAY
Sweeper
NIGHT
Sweeping

DAY
Flipping out at Patrick Berger
NIGHT
Flipping Patties and Burgers

DAY
Free Kick
NIGHT
Free Coke

DAY
Quick on the counter-attack
NIGHT
Quick to the counter

DAY
Feeding Duscher the ball
NIGHT
Feeding Doosh the Whopper

DAY
He scores a hat trick
NIGHT
He wears a BK hat

DAY
Taking out the opposition
NIGHT
Taking out the rubbish

DAY
Ref shows a red card
NIGHT
Customer shows a student card

DAY
Sent off
NIGHT
Night off

DAY
Fulltime
NIGHT
Full

Player Profile #6

Seung Park
aka. Park Seung Bum
aka. The Korean man

There is something mysterious about Seung. No one really knows how he plays as good as he does. He has possibly the best control in The Sam, and his ability to play with quick reflexes means he has a tendancy to score goals that come out of nowhere.

Seung is the newest fulltime player in the team, having bee bought by The Sam from Seoul FC in early 2006 for 9274 million korean won ($NZ32 million). He has become an outstanding player in the team and was unlucky to snatch golden boot in The Sams first competition of the year. Seungs tactical midfield play and brilliant attacking play helps him become a very respectable player in all football circles.

The highlight of his career so far as quoted by him is "getting to play with Bum Joon...My one most important dream was to play with Bum Joon, if that couldn't happen, my second was to get Bum Jooned". Seung must be happy to know that he and Bum Joon paired together make a very feared midfield pairing, as Seung is quite willing to pass the ball ont0 Bum Joon knowing that he may not get it back, and the fact that Seung is the only player courageous enough to get on the end of one of Nicks through balls.

Seung is also a bit of a 'player' off the field. It is a fact that if a movie was made about each of The Sam's players, Seungs movie would have the most sex scenes, even surpassing Steves illustrious name. Although not much statements have been publically made, Seung may have at least one mistress in every time zone. Because Seung moved to a country with a rising teen pregnancy rate (New Zealand) he decided to be sensible and made sure he was not giving teenagers the wrong impression of his behaviour so he created his own line of condoms, each type given the name of a The Sam player. Hugh Heffner keeps Seungs signature on his mantlepiece.

In March 2006 Seung came third in E! entertainment's show 'hottest celebrity bodies'. The only two who beat him were Steve Cubis and Terri Henry (Sam McCleans girlfriend-not to be confused with Thierry Henry). Seung said humbly after the announcement that "I don't really consider myself hot, but I thank the lord that girls do!".

Unfortunately for Seung, because he plays with The Sam in New Zealand's Winter, he is not available to play for Korea in the world cup. He moarns this but confesses that he likes The Sam better anyway. Seung is an essential part of The Sam, his composure keeps The Sam moving in a way no other player could.

Profile Featurette #1

Bobby "Crazy eyes" Bi'basso
aka double bung eye, caint c strait, the reason shades became cool
Occupation works in 'The Sam Souvenirs' a merchendice outlet located on The Sam home ground Kelburn park

No he's not a fearsome italian gangster, he's just a local hero with a huge heart and two bung eyes.

Anyone thats been to a soccer match at kelburn park, even if only once, will know of this local legend. His bubbly personality and crazy antics are always a crowd pleaser when a 'The Sam' match goes stale. (usually due to the opposition giving up because of the shear number of goals they have conceided). Bobby can argue a strong case for being The Sam's number 1 supporter, he has been quoted many a time saying: "aye'ya, I'ya hold'a the record for the most'a matches attended by'a one'a person ya know, AYE LOUGIE!! WHERE'S'A MY FRIGIN'A PIZZA PIE!@#!#!".

Bobby came to New Zealand as an italian imigrant in 1986 to open up new doors for himself financially and romantically. "you'a cee, it's a not'a easy to'a pick up the ladies in'a my'a native italy. So, i'ya thought'a, heeey'ya! I's'a gonna charm me'ya some'a New Zealand beauties!!". Unfortunatley for Bobby he did not intially have the rip blasting time with the ladies he predicted. His first night out clubbing saw him thrown in jail for suspected cocain abuse, lucky for bobby charges were swiftly dropped when his uncomprehendible speech and drugged up appearence were put down to his being italian and bung eyed.

However these days Bobby's luck has had a turn for the better. He was one of the first Kelburn park staff on hand when The Sam was founded and has reaped the benefits immensely. Fans can be heard throughout kelburn saying things such as "you know that bobby is sooo dreamy, he could bung my eye's any day (sigh)" and Kanye West from team africa has even been overheard commenting "Bobby's extra fly, come the day i die, i'm gonna bung my eye".

So Bobby, from all the staff at the sam, the players, and of course the fans, thankyou, thankyou very much

Talent Scout #4

Pascal Cygan
aka Arsenals Secret Weapon, Baldy, Mr Unreliable
Club Arsenal
Nationality France

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO! Its Pascal Cygan sending a player flying through the air. Graham Polls coming over. Hes reaching into his pocket. Oh, oh, it is, it is. A red card.

Poor old Cygan. The hapless Arsenal defender has been the butt of all soccer jokes and his butt-shaped head doesn't help. Too old to develop any more skills and too young to retire the 32 year old is one of those players that a team loves to play against, and hates to play with.

It wasn't always this bad though. Cygan gained recognition after he was voted French Player of the Year, with his time at Lille. He almost made the French national team that year and a certain coach in England raised his eyebrows at the prospect of having Cygan on his team.

Yes, France was good to Cygan. But it wasn't to be in England. Playing alongside the likes of Campbell and Keown should have benefited him but it didn't. Some say he was poisoned by Manchester United, others believe it was the shaven head rivalry between him and Campbell, but whatever the reason for his terrible form, it has turned Cygan's world upside down.

The once 'promising' defender even rang up The Sam defender Tony Ng for some tips on managing the Dfence. Ng, who speaks fluent French gave Cygan a list of things he was doing wrong. The list was 50 pages long. Soon after the meeting Cygan scored 2 goals and helped Arsenal earn a clean sheet, but inconsistency showed and he was relegated to the darkest depths of the bench.

Cygan does have strengths though. In the last FA Cup final, the game ended with Man Utd and Arsenal in a penalty shoot-out. All of the Arsenal penalty takers wore Cygan masks and Roy Carroll, laughing so much at the sight of the many Cygans failed to save a single penalty, and finished up on the losing side.

Cygan the entrepreneur is a completely different story. His joint business with Jens Lehmann selling Mining Suits was a major success. Last year his 'Mine Your Own Business' T-Shirts earned him worldwide recognition and earned him Time Magazine Businessman of the Year. Cygan later quit after reports that Lehmann was paying slaves in Netherlands Antilles to make the mining suits. His new business, selling Cygan shirts was a hit, though most people bought them as a joke or to use the fabric for making curtains.

Whether Cygan is selling shirts or scoring 'owned' goals, he will forever be applauded by the opposition, make Arsene Wenger flinch any time he has the ball, and be a conversation starter at The Sam functions.

Talent Scout #3

Gabriel Agbonlahor
aka Aston Villas Bum Joon
Club Aston Villa

Real Madrid must be kicking themselves for selling Agbonlahor to Aston Villa. Since arriving at the Midlands club in January the striker has earned rave reviews, is on course for this years Golden Boot and is one of David O'Leary's absolute favourite players.

Agbonlahor, a player hailing from Cape Verde Islands, did his best at Real Madrid, coming through the youth system and eventually making the first team. He was a regular for Real Madrid in their successful 2005 playing alongside the likes of Zidane, Raul and Roberto Carlos, but a fight with team-mate Beckham saw him leave the Bernabeu in January. Agbonlahor, the usual penalty taker for Real Madrid, got shoved aside by Beckham who wanted to take the penalty himself, in a game against Osasuna. The England captain then Beckhamed it and Real Madrid lost the match. Agbonlahor left the club straight after the game.

Upon his arrival in England, Agbonlahor was immediately thrust onto the pitch playing against Arsenal in a David O'Leary tribute. The new striker scored twice and managed to get Cygan sent off in a game that saw the midlands team come out on top.
From then on, Agbonlahor has been crucial to Aston Villa's plans and is track for a great season.

The Cape Verdes Islander is a powerfully built forward with a right foot that has been compared to the The Sam defender Bum Joon Kim. Perhaps that is why he has been named Aston Villas Bum Joon.

His overall contribution to the game is amazing. Agbonlahor plays up front but is never hesistant to get back and defend, often saving potential goals. It is because of this that Aston Villa have the best D in the Premier League.

But his goalscoring cannot be ignored. The young forward is the leading goalscorer in the Premier League outscoring the likes of Henry, Van Nistelrooy and Shola Ameobi.

It has been rumoured that Agbonlahor may leave Aston Villa at the end of the season but the clubs most important player is ignoring these claims. Nevertheless, to have Agbonlahor on your team is nearly as good as having The Sam.

Talent Scout #2

Kanye West
aka Tabrio West
aka "ima touch the sky" West
Club: Team: Africa
Nationality: Abyssinia

Kanye West is a new signing for Team Africa this season, a relative unknown quantity in football having swiched codes from being first round draft for Jackosonville Jagwars in NFL. Despite this, he is looking to star in the revamped Team Africa "D" which sees Ebay Eboue replace Timothy Atouba in right back.

Despite the fanfare he receiced after the transfer, rumors surfaced from within Team Africa that they made a mistake signing Kanye as they were intending to sign Tabrio West from Plymouth Argyle who is Nigerian hence African but did not check the first names. Spokesman for Team Africa, Victor Ikpeba has rubbished such speculation and is quoted to be 'mutual' with progress of their new signing. Indeed in their first game against the league of extraordinary gentlewomen, West was to blame for all 8 goals conceded including two "owned" goals. Furthermore, critics have slammed the new player questioning his commitment claiming he is too busy making sure he is "looking extra fly" during the game that his concentration and "D" let him down. His movement was noticibly hampered by him wearing a white suit instead of the regular uniform in which he insists is essenital to "looking extra fly". They also question his nationality claiming he has an American passport and seems to be much more - affluent than other members of Team Africa pointing at the large solid gold chains he wears around his neck while playing. West has played down these comments, he is quoted as saying "I'ma testify, come up to the spot lookin' extra fly. For the day I die, I'ma touch the sky." Reporters and journalists who attended the press conference at KK203 were visually confused to what exactly he meant. When asked a response to the claims he replied, "I am from Ethiopia, I is from the ghetto. You, is from the ghetto. I'ma black, The Sam homies call me Jay Jay because of that, and i is Africain American. Great Lakes Niggers for life.

New signing Kanye West has not made the best start for Team Africa and has a lot to prove in fast pace of Vic Uni Indoor League and it remains to be seen how well he adapts or "touchs the sky" in the next few games. One thing remains certain, you can count on him to look extra fly.

Talent Scout #1

Nuno Gomes
aka Nuno DeSousa Nelson Gomes
Club: Lisboa FC
Nationality: Portugal

Ever contraversial, the Lisboa striker is one of the most famous Portuguese footballers to have come from the Iberian Peninsula.

Hailing from a football mad family, Nuno Gomes had five brothers who played indoor soccer and another eight cousins who played soccer. The family of footballers eventually entered a team in Division 19 of the Lisbon League. The team known as The Arrogance ended up in 2nd place, and were promoted to Division 18. Nuno Gomes, playing alongside cousin Chris Smith, shone throughout the season and picked up the Golden Boot and Lisbona Player of the Year.

However, the following year saw him have a public spat with Chris, with the latter accusing Gomes of being overly arrogant. In an act of jealousy, Chris stole the trophies and ran off to New Zealand.

That year Nuno Gomes left for Fiorentina, where he would form a, then unrivalled strikeforce with Gabriel Batistuta and Enrico Chiesa.

Nuno Gomes made his debut for Portugal in 1997 against The Peoples Republic of Mean. The Portuguese were destroyed by Mean McClean (father of The Sam) scorer of all four goals, in a 4-0 thrashing. Nuno Gomes was infamously sent off.

The Lisboa striker got sent off another seven times in his international career, the most famous being against South Korea in the 2002 World Cup.

His club career took a massive u-turn when Fiorentina got relegated to Serie C, and so he was offloaded to Benfica, his home for the next three years.
Then, in 2005 he moved to Lisboa FC, the home of his cousin Chris Smith. They kissed and made up and the two were reunited in the team.

The Portuguese striker has a killer instinct in front of goal, able to score with both feet, his head, and more impressively, his gluteus maximus.
His tackling needs a bit of work, Gomes has one of the highest foul rates on the planet and has injured many players, including himself, but his goal-scoring makes up for that.

The Lisboa striker is one of the teams greatest assets and Chris Smiths close friend.

Player Profile #5

Steve Cubis
aka. Gary
aka. Dragnet Steve


You could probably say that Steve is the stud in The Sam. Steve is a centre midfield in the team, but a lot of his time is spent away from the pitch, with many a lady friend.

Steve is a respectable soccer player. He is second best in the team after Charles in terms of his ability to do tricks. He usually starts on the bench in games although since Arthur has been out due to injury, Steve has been getting more time. His attacking play is his best and he is uses skilled playe to set up players like Seung and Nick. He can also score suberb goals.

But what he is really skilled in is womanising. Steve is the idol for millions of screaming teenagers. he appears around the world in concerts and movie premiers and has been named bachelor of the year 2006 by 17 leading international womans magazines including Cleo, Cosmopolitan and Vogue. His untamable hair, his babylike skin and his dreamy smile make girls go wild. Steve has his own brand of cologne and it is selling very well.

Steve was bought by The Sam from Yeovil Town for200,000 pounds, so The Sam has made a huge profit. But The sam has had to put up with a lot. Steve fraternates with so much girls that he is often late to training. Has to ring up taxi companies and scream in to the phone "Im first team man!" because he is so late. he has also had more than his fair share of drug enquiries, comunist conspiracies and sex tape scandals.

Steve is also a fashion guru. Anything he wears it seems that all men want to wear it to. He insisted that The Sams clubrooms would have to be reslyled and done up with chrome in order to make The Sam hip. While other players in The Sam are sponsered by the likes if Nike, Adidas and Puma, Steve is sponsered by Gucci. It must be hard playing proffessional football in leather town shoes with sprigs inserted into them, but Steve will go to any attempt.

Steve is a quintesential part of The Sam. His play off the field no way dampens his excellence on it. let the good times continue.

Player Profile #4

Tony Ng
aka. Tooonyyyy
aka. The Ng Mister

Tony Ng is the star of the defense at The Sam. His calmness under pressure makes him able to react to any strikers movements fast. he is also the teams number one goalkeeper at the moment, so his fast reflexes are used well.

Tony was probably the reason shinpads were invented. Tony's agressive nature means that he is every strikers nightmare, second only to Nick Kim. This nature means that he is the most penalised player in the team, however, fouls are needed if clean sheets are to be kept, and Tony knows this. Tony was also the first player to ever be Bum Jooned, and was put out of keeping for half a year.

Tony started his career at The Sam and played keeper and defender in the first tournaments. However Tony and former team mate Chris were sold in a $200 million deal to Arsenal in late September 2005. At first Tony was well adapt to life in England, but later he got sick of playing in a team with bad team moral, horrible history, and players and a manager who seemed a bit well...bent. He quit Arsenal and came back on a free transfer to The Sam. Since then he has prformed extreamly well.

Tony also has his own brand name 'Ng styles'. This brand was made by The Sams commitee in order to sell a line of products to the defenders and goalkeepers of the world, because up till then 'Little Franny Boo' was The Sam's only line of products, and they were made for strikers. Tony has been skeptical about using his name, but the board decided that if Charles name was used, so could Tony's. Ng Styles also has a line of toiletries and kitchen utensils.

But Tony is a leading player on the pitch, he is quick to tell all the midfielders to get back intoposition so he is easily the main person in defense. His attitude and style is every bit worthy of a place in The Sam.

Player Profile #3

Arthur Tse
aka. A-Train
aka. Captain Arthur the Conqueror

Dedication is what makes a footballer great, and what better player to show this than Arthur Tse. He has shown that no matter if your on or off the pitch, work is needed to keep the team in good working order. And his performance on the field? Unbelievable.

Arthur is the star of the defensive midfield. We say defensive midfield, but he can play anywhere from goalkeeper to attacking midfielder with no problem. He can even play striker. Patrick Viera has said that "Even though Arthur is at least five years younger than the best players around, he was still our boyhood idol".

Arthur played professionally for Wairirapa when he was twelve and joined Perth Glory when he was fourteen. He was then offered many contracts in Europe, but, as he was so young, he did not want a serious injury playing in a hard league, so he played the next five years at Dundee United. he was offered places in Barcelona, Beyern Munich and Juventus at the end of his contract, but he recieved word of a new club being set up in his homeland, and quickly returned to be one of the premier players in The Sam. He and Sam set up the commitee of players in The Sam in October of 2005, in which 6 The sam players would come and discuss rules of conduct and team structure. Arthur is responsible for the non-renewal of the contract of player and commitee member Chris Desousa.

Arthur became captain of The Sam in January 2006 from De-Facto captain Sam. He played brilliantly in The sam's first encounter of the year but then disaster struck. Arthur ripped his achilles tendon while training and is now out until the end of the year. A string of poor performances by The Sam in Feburary and March shows how much the team missed the talent of Arthur.

Arthur is skilled in enabelling the defence to become a greater entity. That is, The strikers of The Sam (Charles, Nick, Seung, and Geoff) get the most media attention, and Arthur is able to not only outplay our own strikers, but he is able to get the rest of the defence to do the same, thus avoiding the strikers getting too cockey.

Arthur has easily the greatest experience in the team and can always put players in their place without causing anger in the ranks. We at The Sam are not biased towards any player, but we say that if a list was made of all The Sam players, Arthur would and should be first.

Player Profile #2

Nick Kim
aka. Bum Joon Kim
aka. Rocketball man
aka. 'Watch out he's gonna shooooot!'

There are many feared people in the world, Osama Bin Laden, The Green Goblin and Jerry Springer to name a few. But you would be hard pressed to find someone more feared than Bum Joon Kim. Believe it or not he is actually not a bad person. His right foot, though, could knock down the international space station.

His physique and hight make him a perfect right midfielder/winger. Born and bred for football, he is a massive asset to The Sam. His skill with the ball and his ability to get past makes him the 'Ronaldinho of the Far East'. That quote was made early last year. Perhaps the quote should now be that 'Ronaldinho is the Bum Joon of Latin America'. But where Bum Joon surpasses every other player in the world is his shot. There is not much to say about his shot other than it is powerful, very powerful. In a game against Tottenham in December, Bum Joon was awarded a penalty for a late tackle. Spurs' keeper Robinson actually put himself into the fetal position in the corner of the goal and wept 'Please dont hit me, please dont hit me...'.

Bum Joon has had to make a back up name (Nick) in order to keep people from sceaming in terror from him. In some countries, Bum Joon has actually become a rude word, due to the injuries caused by Nicks massive kicks. 'Im gonna Bum Joon you' is a common phrase around school playing fields.

Nick has protested loudly about not being one of the members on The Sam's board. He believes that since he was one of the four founding fathers (FFF) of The Sam, he should be a member. All is not lost for him though. He has known Sam McClean (the chairperson) for the longest and is still able to pass his ideas onto Sam who will usually pass it on to the rest of the board. Nick actually started the FFF in order to combat the commitee and he tried to make the FFF the main board for The Sam. The other members are Sam, Charles and Keeth. Unfortunetely, Keeth is spending less time in the vicinity and four members on the board makes it harder to get a majority, therefore harder to make propositions law. The FFF still exists but is a lesser entity than the commitee. The FFF can still make motions that the commitee MUST see to.

Nick is the foriegn representative for The Sam. He is responsible for the happiness of the foriegn players in the squad. This includes Derek, Winter, Seung and Duke. He has turned out to be very skilled at this job.

Bum Joon is a brilliant player. His skills are unseen before, but it is his shot that is his mojo. His shot is 100% unstoppable. That is a fact.